Although I'm cheered somewhat by the sound of the various birds overhead heading towards their winter home, for the most part I find myself beset by an unnamed, nostalgic, melancholy. For years, I've tried to put my finger on what that feeling really was. Is it a sorrow for lost loves, lost youth, a regret that my learning days are over, my days of carefree abandonment, the realization that I will probably spend the rest of my life toiling for a living. Or is it something more that pulls this melancholy blanket down on my mind?
In recent years I've noticed that this malady, this wooly malaise, is not peculiar to me alone during the fall time of year. Many of us get a little wistful during this season as we're donning our coats once more, and digging our woolens out of storage. Some of us may hum to ourselves more, some of us may find we spend more time wrapped up in bed with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate. But most of us somehow experience that irresistible longing for something, something out there but undefined.
I'm not sure if it's true for anyone else, but at least for myself I have gradually brought to definition this mysterious feeling. It's something more than mere anticipation of the winter ahead. There are also memories of other autumns in other places, shared with other friends and family, many of whom are not in our lives any longer. So, along with the anticipation comes the realization that life is very fleeting. One of the reasons this time of year causes me to look back on my life is because I can see it passing through my hands so swiftly and I see that trying to hold on to life, like trying to hold on to a handful of sand, is just an illusion. This time of year also, subconsciously at least, reminds me that my days are growing shorter, that the seasons of our lives are temporary also. Part of me is frightened by that, even in spite of all I know, part of me is still afraid that this life as I know it will end someday.
Then I remember what Jesus said. I wonder if it was in the fall that He spoke those words to his disciples. I can picture them sitting around the fire in the evening, the cool of the fall evening, anticipating the coming of winter. Looking ahead without knowing that they were looking for His death, and ultimately, their own.
"Let not your heart be troubled," he said. 'You believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions, if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto my own, that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:1-3
"Don't be afraid," I can hear him saying, "This world is not the only place to live. My Father can create all kinds of worlds. If he couldn't I would have let you know the reality of what He is. But, the reality is, He cares for his own and you are His own. The reality is I am going on before you to Him. You don't have to be afraid, I will show you what everything you've ever been afraid of looks like. I will prove to you, by rising from the dead that life as you know it is not all there is, that there is so much more...many more horizons than you ever dreamed possible
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